One year later

I can’t believe that it has been a year since I wrote these posts.  I have been kind of ashamed of them, but looking back and feeling so much better, I realized that I was just deeply depressed.  How difficult it is to know that you are so bottom line depressed, and how dangerous that I may have committed suicide.  I don’t think that I would do it since I realized that my kids lives would never be the same with the pain and stigma that  I would create with me dying.  Truly honest, I am not afraid of dying.  I figure this is just a step of our atoms in existence.  I am sure that our soul moves to the next level, universe or whatever is next.  I am not even sure that everyone goes to the same place.  It may have to do with what we want or what we have done through life.  Maybe, that is how the idea of heaven and hell came about.

Doctor’s visit

I finally made it to the doctor.  I don’t think I had been there in over a year.  I asked her to refill my prescription, as I am sick of being depressed.  She asked if I was having thoughts of hurting my self or others.  ”No”, Yeah, like I am going to tell you that I have been thinking

Halloween at the doctor's office

about killing my self.   I have known since my kids were born that I would not commit suicide until they leave the house.  Maybe a couple of years  after to make sure they are doing ok.   That is why I went to the doctor today, I have a 12 year old who also has mental problems, and why should he suffer because of me.  As it is, they have to put up with a dirty house, an unavailable mother at night ( I turn in to a raving bitch at night ) so that I don’t scream at them or the husband.  I hardly cook anymore and barely leave my office which is next to my bedroom.

I was hoping to find other people who had the same feelings and thoughts, but I can’t find anyone being as candid as I am.  I do would like to commiserate with others like my self.  So, if you are reading this and have a blog like this, let me know so that I can visit yours.

Agarophobia

 

parade

This morning I have to leave the house.  I manage rental properties and one of them has a flooded basement and a leaky roof.  I was supposed to be there Saturday, but I am afraid.  Last night I went in to full panic attack knowing that I have to leave the house this morning, and like always went to bed so late because I am afraid to go to sleep.  I did take my meds Welbutrin and Klonopin.  I slept well, but I am still afraid.  I am not having suicidal thoughts, but I don’t want to leave the house.  I could probably come up with a new excuse for not going to take care of the rental, but I also have to go to court.  I recently got a ticket for an expired inspection.  I feel like crying, but of course I can’t. My daughter woke up throwing up this morning, so she stayed home from school.  I hope this week doesn’t suck.

I feel better after I write this post getting all my sad and evil thoughts out, but yesterday I felt that the bad feeling stayed with me all day.  I will make a doctor’s appointment and get new meds as I think what I have is expired.  I hope my son has a good day.

It’s morning

Some times in the morning I feel hopefull.  After my 20 minutes convincing my self to get out of bed, I get up and think this will be a good day.  I got up wanting to come and write my thoughts.  I am a little anxious and exited to get all of this bullshit out of my head.  Hoping than someone other than me will read it. It does make me feel better to write.  Maybe so many people will want to read my trash that I will be able to make money out of this blog and

river betwenn two mountains

and I will not have to leave my house.  So I go check to see if my blog name “liveitwell” is available, and of course it is not.  One of those fucking idiots who make a living buying domain names wholesale has bought it and is happy to sell it to me for thousands of dollars.  Shit, when I get some money  I will go buy me a good name.  Something like “don’t kill your self” ” remember your son will not survive without you and you’ll ruin your dauthers life” “shit.com”

I haven’t made a penny since October 2009, and my husband gives me very little money, so now I don’t leave the house unless I have to . I was able to get hold of some money this year and went and paid the membership for the health club, as I have put on so much weighth, but I just don’t have the desire to go.  I have always gone to the gym if it was available, now it is too much effort and I hate looking at those happy people with their skinny bodies, or the fat fucks hoping to loose weight.   Like their skin isn’t going to hang out and look disgusting, if they do loose the weight.   I have to say that if people are nice I don’t care if they are fat or not.   They do look beautifull to me.  I hate looking in the mirror.

I had a crappy friend who had  bariatric surgery lost like 70 pounds and with clothes on looks great. But we used to go to the beach during the summers, and I hated to see how she thought she was so hot, but her skin just hanged loose as she walked with her leather skin from too much sun and the tacky tattos.  She would also flirt with the teen  life guards, and really thought that they would flirt back.   I could see how the boys would make fun of her as soon as she would walk back to our spot.  I am happy to say, we are no longer friends by her choice.  If I think I have a crappy life, I wonder why she doesn’t kill her self.  She really has nothing going for her self.  I will tell you about her in a future post.

I know I sound like a disgusting human being in this blog, but that is the purpose of this.  To write all the shit that goes through my head that I would never have the guts to tell other people.  Believe it or not people like me and love me, they think that I am a nice person.  If they just knew.

Hello world!

 

The river

I have been wanting to write this blog for quite some time. If you are looking for something interesting or funny this will not be it.

I suffer of depression.  Before I signed up for this, I read a couple of blogs from people who write about depression, but these people must be dealing pretty well with it as they sound to happy and functional.  This year I had a couple of months like that.  I really enjoyed them, just thinking about them makes me want to cry.  I wish I could feel that way all the time.

Get up in the morning, just get up and go, do the things that have to be done.  Happy days.

Most days, I wake up and stay in my bed thinking if I really want to get up.  This back and forth takes about 20 minutes.  I have kids, I have no choice and I get up.  My son who is a tween also has mental issues of which I will go in detail in the near future.  I have to wake him real slow with lots of kisses or he wakes up in such a nasty mood that makes me want to screech.   By this time my daughter is up and taking a shower.  She is 16.  She has a pretty good life.  I am sure, she is ashamed of me but tries to love my anyway.  I wish she felt that way about her brother, I don’t think she can stand him, and it breaks my heart.  Every time I think I may commit suicide I tell her she needs to take care of him and do the things that I do for him, but I know that she has no capacity and that is why I am able to write these thoughts.  I am alive because my son needs me.  I cry as I say these words, and I don’t know why. It feels good.  I am taking medication and crying is not ease as the meds make me feel very bland.

I had not taken medications for a long time, and the meds that I found recently are pretty old.  They are expired, but I have not wanted to leave the house, and going to the doctor to get a new prescription is too much effort.  I do have a husband who is very supportive most of the time.  Our financial situation is horrible, and he begs me to get a job.  What kind of job can I get, when I  have no education.  4 years of college in a South American University proved to be useless in this country.  I have been fired more times than I can remember, and I have walked out of jobs.  Well this has gotten to long, I will continue next time.  If you read this leave a comment. I will be surprised that anyone reads this.  I hope I feel better soon.